By John ‘Butch’ Dale
Guest Columnist

I admit it. Although I have been married to the same woman for 58 years, I am still trying to understand how the female brain works.

John ‘Butch’ Dale

According to experts, women use the cerebral cortex of the brain for solving problems, while men use an entirely different part of the brain, the left hippocamus. Because of this, a woman’s brain is like a laptop which is connected to multiple websites all at the same time, with hundreds of thoughts, memories and emotions connected to each other. These are never forgotten and are brought up at opportune times, mostly to get revenge.

On the other hand, a man’s brain automatically arranges thoughts and memories into nice simple files, which can be turned on or off like a light switch. Men can then have the benefit of selective memory when they need it during arguments. Men only have two emotions … the thrill of victory or the agony of defeat.

The male and female brain structure will never change. This can be very handy. For instance, I have discovered that there is no use remembering my mistakes because my wife will always remember those for me. If I start a conversation, I can stop at any time because my wife will finish it. The same holds true for any argument that may arise. A woman will always have the last word, and if a man says anything after that, it will be the beginning of a new argument. This can go on forever, and can provide hours and hours of wonderful and enlightening conversation.

When men have something to say during an argument, they are very direct and to the point. After a few minutes of trying to win the argument and subsequently failing, a man will turn off his brain and enter a silent comatose state. When women respond to men during such an argument, they use terminology that must be deciphered carefully.

For instance, here are a few common responses used by women, and their real meanings:

1. “Fine!” … women use this to end an argument when they think they are right and want you to shut your trap.

2. “Nothing” … watch out, you are in big trouble when you asked what was bothering her.

3. “That’s OK” … she wants you to think long and hard before you make a big mistake, because believe me, you are going to pay for it.

4. “Thanks a LOT!” … Beware! She is NOT thanking you, she is VERY ticked off.

5. “Whatever” … she is basically telling you that you are an idiot.

6. “Well, that’s just great!” … No, it’s not … you just screwed up big time.

7. “Just forget it, I’ll do it” … well, you should have done what she wanted you to do because now you’ve had it,.

8. “Go ahead then” … whatever you want to do, DON’T do it or you will regret it the rest of your life.

9. “A long sigh” … technically not a verbal response, but just as effective in proclaiming you to be a moron who will not listen.

Also according to experts, the difference in female and male brains also result in simple everyday actions to be performed differently.

A man can get ready for work in the morning in less than five minutes, while it takes a woman approximately an hour and a half.

A man will pay twice the amount for something he wants, while a woman will pay half-price for something she does not want.

When driving, a man will never admit that he is lost, while a woman will insist that he is indeed lost because he is bullheaded.

When buying a car, a man wants to know every detail about the vehicle, while a woman only wants to know the color.

In selecting a simple product such as soap, a man will buy the first thing he sees (usually Dial, Ivory, or Lava), while a woman uses a checklist based on fragrance, sensitivity, natural ingredients and recommendations from celebrities.

When a man comes home from work, he pulls his shirt off by the collar and tosses his clothes into a big pile, while a woman removes her top from the front and carefully hangs up each article of clothing.

When a group photo is in order, a man will take one photo and not worry if it turns out OK, while a woman will take hundreds of photos of every conceivable combination of members in the group.

Before a trip, a man will start to pack five minutes before he leaves, take only the basic necessities, and stuff it all in a tiny satchel, while a woman will begin the packing routine a month ahead of time by making a list of everything in the house that she can cram into 10 gigantic suitcases.

Well, the above are just a few examples of how things work. I think that comedian George Carlin had it right when he said that “all you have to know is that women are crazy and men are stupid … and the main reason that women are crazy is because men are stupid.” Someone once said that to be happy with a man, a woman must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, a man must love her a lot and try not to understand her at all. That’s easy, because there are two times when a man will never understand a woman … before marriage, and after marriage.