By John ‘Butch’ Dale
Guest Columnist

John ‘Butch’ Dale

The weather was nice recently, so it was that time again. Yes, time to haul horse manure! My son cleans the horse stables each morning and piles it up on a nearby concrete pad. Then each fall, after the crops have been harvested, we load it up and spread it on the fields for fertilizer.

I have a 1951 Farmall H tractor. Put a little water in … greased the joints … cleaned the connections … made sure everything was in working order. Just could not get up and going … Well, that was ME. Then I did the same things for my tractor. It wouldn’t start either!

So … I had to make a trip to town for a new 6 volt battery. Success! I am three years older than my tractor. I wish I could buy a new battery for my 75-year body, because every morning I need a jump start. Oh well, I prefer to laugh at old age. As they say, “it takes both sunshine and tears to make a rainbow.” How do we “old-timers” know when we have reached that point? Here are a few clues….

(1) You get up at night and stumble in the dark to the bathroom. For some reason the bathroom light automatically comes on. The next morning your wife informs you that you peed in the refrigerator.

(2) You test drive a new car, and you accidentally touch one of the 14 buttons on the steering wheel. The radio comes on, blasting at maximum volume. You have no idea how to turn it off. You then ask the salesman if any manufacturer makes a car with no buttons, no radio, a clock with hands, crank-style windows, manual air vents, and no seat belts. He informs you that they no longer make 1947 Buicks.

(3) When you go into another room to get something, you can’t find your glasses, and then after you locate them on top of your head, you can’t remember what you were looking for to start with.

(4) While your wife is fixing dinner, you watch the evening weather report. She asks you what the forecast is, but you have no idea. You just tuned in to see the weather girl in her skin tight dress.

(5) You are as bald as billiard ball. When you try on a turtleneck sweater at a department store, some kid yells out, “Look, Mommy, that old man looks like a bottle of Ban-Roll-On!”

(6) Your bank calls to tell you your account is overdrawn. Why? Because you ordered a case of Preparation-H, 100 tubes of Ben-Gay, a year’s supply of Folgers K-cups, six golf cart batteries, and an extra pair of white patent leather loafers.

(7) When choosing a breakfast cereal at the grocery, you select the brand which has the most fiber content. While eating this cereal, which tastes like oatmeal infused with granite, you chip a tooth, throw the cereal in the waste basket, and call the dentist.

Here are a few other signs that I found on the Internet:

Your knees buckle, but your belt won’t … Your back goes out more than you do … You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there … You fall asleep in your easy chair and everyone thinks you’re dead … You have a dream about prunes … You wear black socks with sandals … You constantly talk about the price of gasoline … You enjoy hearing about your friends’ operations … You are proud to show off your lawn mower … You consider coffee the greatest product ever made … You consider a piece of Marie Callender peach pie your daily portion of fruit … You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet … You know all the answers, but no one asks you the questions … Your heart pacemaker makes the garage doors go up when you see a pretty girl.

So folks, don’t worry and fret about any problems during “old age.” Might as well laugh about it. And guys and gals, if you decide to retire, don’t worry that you might become bored. Taking care of each other will be a full-time job!